Love Languages: A Familiar Framework

Many people who come to my therapy couch have heard of the Five Love Languages, including queer couples. The concept has been hugely popular and has resonated with many people. The idea that we all fall into one of five categories can seem enticing and seems to promise a way to satisfy that deep desire to be known by our partners and to better understand them as well. But what happens when the framework we’re using to understand our relationships wasn’t built with queer relationships in mind? 

To recap, the love languages, as developed by Gary Chapman are: 

• Acts of service: actions or behaviours that show your partner you care 
• Words of affirmation: verbal expressions of care, desire, or support. 
• Gifts: gestures that show your partner they are known and appreciated 
• Physical touch: ranging from unconsciously reaching for your partner in a crowded room to physical intimacy and sex 
• Quality time: focused experiences or moments of intentional connection shared with your partner. 

On the surface it seems helpful to be able to categorize ourselves into boxes of how we love and want to be loved. It’s certainly true that many people have found this framework helpful over the years, but there’s also a lot to be critical about, especially for queer folks. 

Accounting for Faith-Based Origins 

Not many people know that the concept is rooted in faith-based practice, and Gary Chapman is a Christian marriage counsellor. The origin story of this framework might be enough for some queer folks who have been harmed by the church or religion to reject it, which would be completely understandable.

We should also consider that Chapman developed the love languages from his observations of couples in his counselling work, rather than through psychological research. Since then, researchers have studied the framework, but findings haven’t consistently supported some of its central claims, including the idea that everyone has a primary love language or that matching a partner’s love language leads to greater relationship satisfaction. 

This heteronormative model of marriage influences the love languages through assumptions about men and women on a binary, gendered roles, assumptions about sex, and relationship frameworks that don’t often reflect how many queer people see their own relationships. 

The intersection of identity, love, and care 

From a general standpoint, the five categories don’t really account for the complexities of people’s lives and their relationships. Our needs fluctuate depending on many factors, and something we appreciate in one context or situation might not translate into another or account for shifts in stress levels, life circumstances, responsibilities, or practical considerations. If we treat our partner’s love language like a fixed personality trait, then we miss out on so many opportunities to support them, or we might make assumptions that lead to disconnection. 

For queer folks the framework also doesn’t account for intersectional identities and culture. Affection, family involvement, gift-giving, emotional expression, and expectations around partnership can have different cultural meanings. A queer person may also be working out how to honour their cultural or racial identity while dealing with homophobia or transphobia within parts of their community. Something as ordinary as posting a couple photo can therefore have consequences a love-language quiz can’t capture. Touch, time together, communication, sensory needs, executive functioning, or energy limitations can change what care looks like. A loving touch might feel deeply uncomfortable for someone with different sensory needs. An act of service might feel loving to one person and intrusive to someone who values autonomy around a disability.

Limiting love languages to just five, in an effort to simplify, can leave out so much intimacy and connection for queer folks. Identity affirmation and safety might be what makes your partner feel most cared about, being seen for who they really are. Respecting your partner’s relationship with their body or understanding how they describe themselves could be a core part of them feeling safe with a partner, and calling this “words of affirmation” or “acts of service” doesn’t quite land. 

For queer people, an act doesn’t necessarily have a fixed emotional meaning. Who is present and where you are, who knows about the relationship, your partner’s relationship with their body, family dynamics, culture, and safety can all change what an act of affection communicates. For a new relationship, connecting with a new partner’s chosen family, understanding the shared history and making an effort to become part of their community could communicate a deep level of care that doesn’t fit neatly into one of the five categories. For non-monogamous couples, a conversation about boundaries and expectations could strengthen a sense of safety and connection. 

Using Love Languages as a Starting Point, not Gospel 

Although the framework emerged from a particular understanding of marriage, gender, and sexuality, many people find they can adapt it and better understand their relationships through the lens of the love languages. Queer relationships already rewrite expectations and cultural norms by existing. We transform traditionally heteronormative frameworks to suit our queer experiences and landscapes all the time, so why not reshape the love languages into something that works for your own queer relationship? Having the language to start these discussions can be useful, as long as we don’t consider it gospel. 

Rather than asking something boring like “What’s your love language?” we might ask: 

• What kind of touch makes you feel connected, and what level of touch are you comfortable with in public vs when we’re alone? 
• How do you want me to respond when others don’t seem to understand or respect your identity? 
• How do we want to divide the emotional and practical responsibilities of our household?
• Are there words you especially like or dislike when we talk about your body? 
• Who feels like family to you, and what role would you like me to have in those relationships? 
• What are some small things I do that tell you I know you? 

Queer relationships have always challenged prescribed norms, roles, and expectations. We create our own space to decide what love, partnership, and care can look like. Showing we care can include so many different elements, including supporting connections to your queer communities, affirming each other’s bodies and sexuality, deciding together how you want to show up for each other, and staying curious about identities and changing needs. The five love languages can give us somewhere to begin. Our relationships can tell us where to go from there. 

References:
Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Popular psychology through a scientific lens: Evaluating love languages from a relationship science perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2).

Flicker, S. M., & Sancier-Barbosa, F. (2025). Testing the predictions of Chapman’s five love languages theory: Does speaking a partner’s primary love language predict relationship quality? Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 51(1)