Finally having a word for why you’ve been struggling all those years can feel like a celebration and a huge relief, but it can also bring grief, anger, and sadness for all the years you had to struggle without knowing why. Maybe there were impulsive decisions, difficult relationships, feeling like you’re lazy or a failure, or feeling a lot of shame for how you didn’t seem to measure up when you compared yourself to other people. Looking back can bring grief for all the support you didn’t receive, the understanding that wasn’t there, and the constant effort of trying harder than others around you without knowing why it felt so difficult.

At Calm Harbour Counselling, we know all about masking, burnout, and feeling unheard, and the sense of shame that comes from feeling like you’re not good enough or can’t measure up. 

There can be so much sadness for your earlier self who had to try so hard or was blamed for your shortcomings. Often there’s anger towards the people who didn’t get it or refused to adjust their expectations of you, or at the opportunities that were withheld or felt out of reach. 

The grief of a later ADHD diagnosis can be for your past self, your present self and sometimes your future self. For those diagnosed later in life, it’s not just about incorporating this new information, it might mean reshaping your whole life and who you understand yourself to be. Sometimes we hear worries that accommodations and giving yourself grace feels like “letting yourself off the hook” or making excuses. Maybe the part of you that’s been working so hard to overcome these executive functioning challenges might worry that your productivity will slip or you’ll backslide and bring up that old feeling of shame. Maybe you’d been holding out hope for the day where you’d finally have it all together, and that feels impossible now knowing that your brain works differently than others. 

Don’t rush this grief, it’s telling you something important, and it’s helping you to honour what was missed, what you didn’t get, and telling you what you need going forward. There’s no right way through grief. Some days you might feel sadness, others relief and optimism, then anger again. Know that this heaviness won’t be forever, although even years down the road you’ll likely have bursts of grief or heavy emotions show up and need your attention. You’ll notice that it softens in time, and you can turn towards your new normal, rebuilding your identity, and new ways of being in the world as neurodivergent. 

For many people, diagnosis is the first time they begin replacing self-blame with self-understanding. Once you know your limits and what you need, and have words to explain it to yourself, you can build your world for you. You’ll be able to give yourself grace and space when you recognize something is harder because of ADHD. You might find ways to appreciate the ways your brain works. We hear folks talk about how they believe their ADHD brain is essential to their creative process, helps them with pattern recognition in their job, or how happy they are diving into a new hyperfocus or hobby that’s giving them that delightful dopamine rush. 

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Many of us at Calm Harbour Counselling have walked this path ourselves, and we understand how emotional this stage can be. If you’ve recently been diagnosed, or suspect ADHD may be part of your story, reach out today to get matched with one of our therapists and take the next step with support.