Emotional Spring Cleaning: Boundaries for People Pleasers 

You know that feeling when you agree to something you didn’t really want to do, or say yes to something you don’t have time for? I like to think about people pleasing being a little bit like clutter or mess. One little habit might not feel that noticeable. After all – living in community with others and maintaining strong relationships sometimes means stretching your schedule or saying yes to things you’d rather not do. That’s normal. It’s when it starts to pile up.

A “yeah, sure” here.

An “I’ll try to find time for that” there.

Just one more “No problem, that doesn’t really bother me!” 

Before long, it can feel like the room is closing in on you. Resentment builds, overwhelm creeps in, and mild panic starts to show up when you take stock of everything around you. Here in Calgary we’re starting to see spring emerge, and my clients are starting to mention clearing out and de-cuttering what no longer serves them. So why not explore some emotional habits too! 

First – what is people pleasing? 

According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”, people pleasing can look like: 

• Accepting blame to keep the peace
• Operating beyond your capacity
• Disregarding your needs 
• Over apologizing
• Going out of the way to accommodate people 
• Being passive 
• Feeling overly responsible for other’s
• Avoiding conflict 

Tawwab calls it a trauma response, rooted in not feeling worthy of love, fearing rejection, or unhealthy self-esteem, and even goes so far as to call it self-neglect. It’s also a way we protect ourselves from uncomfortable emotions, avoid rejection, hard conversations, and difficult conflicts. It makes sense, but at what cost? Are the survival strategies that once kept you safe starting to eat away at your peace?

Seven Strategies to help “scrub out” the people pleasing? 

First, we try to interrupt the habit – the automatic urge to smooth things over, say yes, or make yourself smaller. You might try some of these strategies or tools: 

• Stalling: before giving a firm answer, say something like “I’ll think about it an let you know” or “let me check my schedule first and get back to you” this can allow you to think about whether saying yes aligns for you right now, and how you want to say no. Sometimes it can be easier with a little distance, like over text message. 
• Let them have their feelings: Acknowledge the other person might be upset, but don’t take responsibility for it. This might sound like “I know you’re frustrated by this situation, but that doesn’t mean that I’m the one to blame.” 
• Gut check: What do you really want? Check in with your priorities and values. What would I expect if the shoe was on the other foot? What would I say to a friend in my shoes?
• Practice: Go over and practice asserting your boundary, or what you’ll say instead of an apology. Sometimes shorter is better, and “no, I can’t right now” is enough without over-explaining or justifying. 
• Appreciation not self-flagellation: Trying saying thank you instead of over-apologizing. Instead of – “I’m so so sorry I’m late”, say “thank you for waiting a few extra minutes for me”. 
• Discomfort isn’t danger: Recognize your strength and capacity – you’ve handled conflict before, even though it was uncomfortable. You’ve said no in the past and made it through. Just because it feels awful doesn’t mean it’s really dangerous.
• Celebrate your progress: Growth often feels awkward before it feels natural. Make sure you give yourself a pat on the back when you did something hard. Others might not notice or celebrate, but let yourself feel proud as the examples pile up.

Authentically Moving Forward 

Healing means clearing out what no longer serves you, so you can make space for yourself. Think about each habit you break as decluttering – each boundary creates more room for your needs, your values, and your peace. Truly an act of care for yourself and others to really mean it when you extend a hand, take appropriate responsibility when necessary, and live life according to your priorities and values. You and the people around you will start to trust you to say what you mean and mean what you say. And you might be surprised at what the new room in your life allows for. 

If you’re inspired but don’t know where to start or can’t imagine how to get there, reach out. Therapy can help you unlearn what survival taught you. We’d love to be alongside you for the ride, and we promise – it’s worth it. Learn more about our team of therapists by clicking here.