Friendships in adulthood often don’t formally end, they just change or fade. Sometimes it can be a sharp pain and the source is clear. Other times the changes are quiet enough that you don’t realize you’re grieving it, the vibe is just off. There’s no clear moment to point to, no conversation that marks the shift. Just a growing sense that something isn’t the same as it used to be.

Maybe your friends are having kids, and you’re not ready or don’t want to and your lives don’t match up in the same way anymore. Maybe you had kids and your friends aren’t there for you in the way that you hoped they’d be. Maybe it’s a move across the city or across the country, and suddenly the ease of seeing each other is gone. What used to be effortless now takes planning, and sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Maybe your friends are cancelling so often you wonder if they really want to hang out with you, while another part of you wants to be compassionate that the weight of the world is getting a lot of folks down right now. You’re not fully connecting, but you’re not completely disconnected from them either. You might still send the occasional meme or react to each other’s stories, but the deeper conversations, the ones that made you feel close, have become less frequent.

For some people this could bring up anxiety, wondering what you did wrong or what you could do to reconnect again. For others it looks like depression and apathy – why even bother? Do I even matter anymore? Still others might be angry that they always have to be the one reaching out and making plans, and people still bail, UGH. 

So what can you do? 

We have hard conversations with people when we care about the relationship. Most often the healthiest thing you can do is share gently and genuinely about how you’re feeling. This might sound like: 

Hey, I miss seeing your face and I noticed that you’ve been cancelling more than usual. I’m trying not to take it personally but if I’m honest, it’s getting to me. If something is bothering you I’m open to chatting about it, and if it’s just our schedules not matching up then it would mean a lot to me if we could try again to find a time to meet up. 

Ideally something like this gets you back on track, but not every conversation will go the way you hope. Sometimes people are able to meet you there, and sometimes they’re not. Both can give you important information about the relationship.

If you don’t feel like your friendship could withstand a tough conversation like this, or you don’t want to let them know how you’re feeling, those are things to explore in themselves and ask why. Maybe that’s signaling this is a friendship that doesn’t fit in your life anymore or your values aren’t aligning, and that’s ok, but it is something to care for once you’ve acknowledged it. 

Maybe you want to take more space to consider where the friendship is going. A word of caution that if you notice yourself pulling back as a “test” rather than to get more information and reflect, this might be something worth exploring too. If your friend doesn’t “pass”, that can be much more painful than a hard conversation. 

Reflecting might mean readjusting your expectations of the friendship and considering what’s realistic. If you’re wanting more connection but your friend has just gone back to school for example, you might get hurt if you don’t consider the context that your friend might not be able to prioritize you any higher than they currently are. 

Just because friendships end doesn’t mean they weren’t an important part of your life. You can decide whether you want to leave the door open emotionally to reconnect someday or not. Letting a friendship change shape, or even letting it go, can bring up a mix of relief and sadness. Both can exist at the same time.

Maybe your next move is to nurture other connections in your life, or look for new people and put yourself out there in different ways. This can bring a whole other set of challenges and nerves! It also takes time to build new friendships, but don’t let that be a barrier to starting. Your new bestie could be waiting for you just around the corner.